to whomever it concerns

I'll preface this by acknowledging the art that I still owe people. I made a lot of impulsive promises and I do not believe it is in my ability to complete them all. I am sorry. I feel like this is the second-best thing I can do, other than whine or keep procrastinating over it.

I guess the desire that currently claws at me right now is the desire to me acknowledged. It is the strongest emotion that has probably driven a lot of my behaviors. The solution isn't in anybody else though. The solution isn't in changing myself though.

The liberty of companionship isn't exactly in my hands. I can't expect people to simply like me. I used to think that I deserved the companionship of those specific friends, but I realized only after hurting them that its a two-way relationship. I manipulated and strong-armed my way into spaces that I didn't belong in and it didn't help anybody in the end, not even me. Every single action I take for myself eventually ends up costing another person. I wouldn't be able to justify my own position but it is my belief that life is inevitably zero-sum in the end. But whilst some people genuinely deserve to be loved, others end up only becoming serial antagonists of everybody and every friend group they come into contact with.

I have apologized for way too long and yet I've never done anything about it. I'm still the same person as I was years ago, even under new names and new branding and new profiles. Every claim that I've changed and that I've become a new person was a lie to simply let people give me another chance. A chance that I did not deserve. A chance that was wasted, like everybody else's efforts toward me.

Friends have fallen apart for a variety of reasons. I have numerous sides but neither side has ever been particularly conducive to any friendship I have ever had. When I was enthusiastic and careless I overreached with how much people actually cared about me in the blind high of conversation, blinding myself to the subtle cues that people tend to leave whenever things go unsaid. I would talk and ramble and asphyxiate all of my friends in the process, and abuse my place to say anything. I would share about myself and indulge in my own world of transient thoughts that vyed to be expressed.

When I would be depressed and sad, the same themes of inflated self-worth would turn back and start sucking the energy out of everybody who dared make contact with me. In my blindness and desperation for acknowledgment from my friends, I ironically pushed them away with my clinginess. Whereas I would initially occupy people's regard and attention with my excitement, I would then occupy people's sympathy and care with my endless venting and self-hatred. This has always been a theme. No case has ever been unique.

And I have been cognizant of it all before as well, and I have tried to take action exactly like I'm doing now in the past, too. My efforts have never worked, because inevitably my will is not strong enough like some others to overcome my cowardice. It becomes more performative waterworks that never go anywhere.

But this will hopefully provide me accountability and this will hopefully finally seal me away from looping again. I do not care for what happens to me in the end; I only care about finally stopping the torment that I have defined myself by. Without me, everything would prosper like how it was meant to. Everything will be how it was intended to.

I'm sorry once again. It means nothing without substance to accompany it. I hope this is adequate.